Change can be a scary thing for a lot of people. For me, at this moment in my life, it is crucial! It was and still is a step that needs to continue to happen in order for me to move forward to a happier, healthier life!
For the past few months I have been on the road to recovering from disordered eating habits. Let me tell you, it has not been an easy thing to do. When I made the first steps to go to the doctor in March, it was the scariest thing I had ever done in my life. I didn't know what she was going to tell me, and I didn't know what the outcome of the visit would be. Well, it wasn't as bad as I would have thought, but I did land myself in the Hospital due to low potassium levels, a low heart rate and low blood pressure. Hearing those things was very scary for me. It was a huge wake up call, that what I was doing to my body (basically starving it) was wrong and something needed to change, and quick! It was a huge turning point in my life.
How could I have gotten so entangled in my eating disorder? I mean, I am a mother, a wife, a sister, a friend, and have so many things blessing my life. How could I be so selfish to my darling daughter? From that moment on I decided it was time to change!
I was in the Hospital for a day and a half to get my levels back to normal, and get my body back functioning properly. I was very dehydrated, so I was pumped full of fluids as well. While in the Hospital, I had a lot of time to myself to think. My mom had my sweet Mollie which was so kind of her, but made me feel very selfish. Even though I felt like I was failing at being a mom, I knew I was taking the right steps in order to be the best mom I can be for my darling little girl. By the end of my hospital stay I was feeling so much better. I already had so much more energy and zest for life.
Before I left the Hospital I was hooked up with an amazing Nutritionist, Therapist and Dr. We scheduled follow-up appointments with all of them so my road to recovery could continue. I started out seeing all of them once a week. It has been a huge blessing to be able to have them as my support team, as well as my incredible Husband, Mom, Dad, sisters, extended family and friends. I have the greatest family in the whole world. I could not do this without them and all of their love and support.
I am not going to lie, this has been one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I have had good days, bad days and great days! But it has been quite the roller coaster of emotions. I was so far into this terrible disorder, that it has taken patience and time to get me to where I am today.
I still have a long way to go, but have so much determination and faith, that I know I will overcome this trial. Making these changes will change my life for the better in so many ways. I want to be the Lindie I love to be. I want to run again, play soccer and tennis, and be that active person I have always been. I want to be a better mom and role model for Mollie. I want to be a better wife, daughter, sister and friend!
Some key things I have learned the past few months are...
For the majority of my life I played competitive soccer. I thought that is what defined me as a person.. I have learned that there is so much more to me than being a great soccer player. I am a mother (best job in the world)... I am a wife to a wonderful husband who loves me for who I am inside and not my skinny self I am on the outside right now... I am a daughter to two incredible parents whom I look up in so many ways and love so so much... I am a sister to two beautiful women that I admire so much... I am a friend... I am a good cook... I am good at doing flowers for weddings and arrangements... I am an athlete... I am so much more than just a soccer player, and have so many other talents I have been blessed with.
I have learned and am putting into practice, that food is fuel. Without it, I am not the Lindie I Love to be. Food is not the enemy it is essential to my well being and man it tastes good. I deprived myself of so many things, that I had to relearn what things I like and don't like, and not classifying foods as "good" and "bad"... Moderation in all things is the key!
I have learned so many things about myself during the past few months that I could go on and on about it, but the biggest thing I have learned is that I need to love myself as much as I love my sweet little girl. I need to treat myself as good as I treat her. I need to take care of myself so I can continue to take care of Mollie. Like I said, I have a long way to go to be my healthy self, but I feel like I have grown and changed for the good in so many ways.
With that said, as much as I want to erase this whole disordered eating phase and start from the beginning again, I can't. But, I can continue to make the correct changes so that in the end I will be happier, stronger, and the Lindie I love and am striving to be.
To all of my family, Thank you so much for all your love and support these past few months. I know it has taken a lot of patience on your part, and I want you to know how much I appreciate each and every one of you and all of your prayers. I couldn't do this with out you.
Healthy, Strong and Confident Lindie! This is my goal, and I know I will get back there again!